Reflections

Although I am not very romantic and don’t buy into the whole Valentines Day, I still had hoped for a more romantic proposal. I often wonder what would have been if I had said no at that moment? We were sitting at my parent’s kitchen table and I was making a couple of sandwiches for him. We were talking and then out of the blue he asked: ‘How about getting married?’ I looked at him and he was smiling and I thought – I don’t really know what I thought. I was taken so much by surprise that I said he should say it to my parents first and only then would I believe him to be serious. Really! Really! Should not an alarm clock have gone off in my head? He said sure he would do that right now and I should call my parents into the kitchen. Which I did and he said to my father he would very much like to marry me. That was it. Parents were o.k. with that since I was o.k. with that too.

Alarm bells? Alarm bells? Where were you? No ring, not even a phrase of “I love you so much I would like to marry you and spent the rest of my life with you”. In fact, still waiting for the promised solitary ring.

My father did take me to the side at some point and asked me if I really was sure about marrying him. I should know I could always change my mind. But I was in love. Today, I understand that it was not just love but I had already stepped into the road of being his narcissistic source. I defended him to my girlfriends about his very unromantic, minimalist marriage proposal. And while I was hoping he would invite me out to dinner, or organize a romantic evening and present me with a ring, he had already primed me well for I never insisted on a proper proposal. Maybe because he had told me early on that he did not believe in romance and was not romantic at all. What I failed to see was that he had set the carrot out and I had complied by not wanting the carrot.

COMING TO A HEAD

December 9^th, 2016 is the day that I recall as the beginning of the end.

Although the end started way back when, in hindsight I think it started when we first got together. But I was in love. I thought he was the one. I noticed some unusual behavior, a word here and there, an action out of place – but he always had a good and reasonable explanation and I more than willingly believed him. He was funny, intelligent, and tall and was full of plans. He was painting pictures of how we would do this and that, how we would be a family, how we were a team and how we would be a successful couple, privately and in our professional life.

It was not long that I would start making excuses for him and defend him. First the missed dinner even though he promised to be there. Then the flat-out refusal to meet with friends, which happen to be all my friends, saying that they are boring, not good enough for me, that he would want to rather be with me. He would invite his few friends and co-workers to dinner and he was showing me off as the good looking intelligent wife, good cook and excellent party planner. And then there were the female co-worker that happened to come by just when I was at my exercise evening class. I believed his explanations of how that just was a spontaneous after work get-together in our home. He always had an answer ready and I have to say that I tried to believe him because he could not deal with my ‘unfounded’ jealousy.

My gut feelings – I ignored them. Too good and reasonable were his explanations. I made excuses for him to my family, my friends, my co-workers. Almost everybody was telling me that he was not right for me, that there was something off with him. But I was young, I was 19 when I met him, I was in a bad place because of an event that happen just before I met him.

I do remember when my gut feeling was very strong and it was telling me that I was making a mistake. But by then I had become a pro in ignoring the most accurate judge. And so I signed on the dotted line and I was married. That day also marked the beginning of the biggest mistake I ever made.