Insight: Coming to a Head
The narcissist begins a relationship by love-bombing – think of it as an advance on everything you will be expected to give them back over the course of your relationship. What you don’t see at first is the exorbitant interest rate you will pay. When you succumb to the love-bombing and are “hooked” and in love, then the process of tearing you down begins. As in many abusive relationships, you are isolated from your support system, and your friends and family are harshly criticized so you begin to question their advice. When they point out faults with your narcissist, you defend the narcissist to them, and to yourself.
Once you are isolated, the fault-finding comes at you from every direction; small comments that are so different from the love-bombing that you don’t believe they are meant destructively. There might be a cold-shoulder here and there and you are sure you misunderstand. You are meant to question yourself. A cognitive dissonance is created, and you actually need to work to excuse the hurtful comments and actions. The love-bombing is so complete, and the future a narcissist paints is so bright that you question your suspicions for a long time. While you are questioning and excusing, your self-esteem is being torn down. In fact, you will end up questioning your own worth in more dimensions than you ever thought possible.
During this process, your first, innate defense is broken down. Your gut may be telling you something is wrong, but you wrestle with it. Over time, you reflexively defend the narcissist and begin to ignore the important signs that your body is giving you. Your brain and gut may be warning you, but your heart is already attached, and overrules. You make the necessary justifications to make your brain and heart agree. But your gut knows better.