While in a relationship with a narcissist (and even before that), we come to internalize the criticism, overt and subtle, that is leveled at us. It can become so deeply ingrained, that you are constantly trying to live up to the narcissist’s impossible standards before you even realize it. The narcissist’s voice becomes the voice in your head and your self-criticism eventually matches the harsh criticism you are subjected to. You begin to evaluate your choices by how you think the narcissist will react to them. Even choices that your narcissist has no right to have an opinion about. This becomes an important part of the shadow that controls you. If you manage to get away from your narcissist, you’ll find that you retain this negative self-talk and these standards for years. It may even leave you more vulnerable to another narcissist in the future.
Why is this? The development of a way to evaluate our words, choices, and actions is a natural one. We develop an ego structure, and part of that is what Freud called the Super Ego. The superego consists of the messages we receive that rein in our more unruly or socially unacceptable urges in order to ensure that we continue to get the love and support that we need as children. The superego follows us into adulthood and becomes our self-criticism. Sometimes, it’s useful – there really are times when we cross a line with someone else, and we feel bad about it. Our superego will urge us to apologize and make amends.
More often than not, the superego becomes a source of a lot of our suffering. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the superego morphs into the messages that we believe will help us get or keep the love that we want from the narcissist. And the narcissist has a lot of conditions on that love, so our superego becomes increasingly sharp and overactive. In order to rediscover yourself and your own autonomy, it is important to questions and start fighting back against the self-criticism that has become second nature.
Begin: You are going to take a two-week vacation from your superego to give yourself space to evaluate the origin of these messages. First, begin to really pay attention to your self-talk – to the judgmental voice in your head. When your superego tells you that you are not good enough, not beautiful enough, or whatever criticism it levels at you, remind yourself that you are on vacation from self-criticism. Remind yourself that you will not take any self-criticism seriously for two-weeks. Begin to ask yourself where does each message come from? Journal about it – write the message, then write the origin.
Continue: Be diligent for two weeks. If “I’m on vacation” doesn’t work, get tougher! “I’m not listening” or even “Fuck off!” – try various brush offs to get the space you need. Keep journaling the messages and their origin. You can add your own thoughts about these messages, too! Keep them positive to reverse the critical messages.
Finish: You can extend your vacation time! Maybe you need a month of vacation from these messages! Maybe you need an indefinite amount of time! Take a look at your list. The messages that originated outside of you – that you used to hear from the narcissist – be particularly ruthless about letting those go. These messages do not deserve to take up space in your head or control you anymore.